Patience is a virtue

Have you realized how impatient and childish American sports fans are? It's like they started watching sports at age eight and haven't matured since.

NFL playoff games can be nerve-wracking.

The first weekend of baseball is behind us. I'm positive some sports fans didn't know that. Why? Baseball is boring...at least that's their excuse.

The prospect of having to wait anywhere from a few seconds to, God forbid, a few minutes to see some action is preposterous to sports fans. A ball (as apposed to a strike)? What's the point of it? It just prolongs the game, right?

Well, if you had any respect for the game of baseball or an attention span greater than that of a seven-year-old named Brayden, you would know that baseball is both an intricate AND exciting game.

Instead the average Americans would rather watch rich muscle-heads beat each other up in an attempt to win the Vince Lombardi Trophy. They would rather watch high-flying superstars put minimal effort into winning a basketball game.

Don't get me wrong, I love football just as much as the average American, I just have a well-rounded admiration for baseball, and soccer, and all the other sports that Americans can't seem to wrap their feeble minded brains around.

Is this what baseball looks like in England? Is that a fraternal paddle?

In case you didn't know, India won the Cricket World Cup over the weekend. It was the first time in 28 years. Over a billion people watched the game.

Classical Cricket games stood the chance of taking multiple days to complete. The format used in the World Cup cut that down a bit in order to fit the tournament into a set amount of time but can you imagine an American sports fan watching a football game lasting three days? They can hardly scrounge up the tenacity to sit still for three hours and watch our national pastime.

Interestingly enough, an article in the December 2010 issue of ESPN the Magazine said the average NFL game is actually longer than the average MLB game.

Put that in your I-need-constant-action-or-I-will-get-bored sports fan pipe and smoke it.

Just for (All the President's) Men

Have you realized the toll the presidency takes on it's occupants? It's like time travels exponentially faster in the White House or something.

Lincoln was a 35:1 Underdog

You'd never think a $400,000 a year job would be so strenuous. Free rides in limousines, your own private jet...what could be so hard about this job? Sure, it's the ultimate managerial position but it's just a simple promotion from Senator or Governor.

Judging by the before and after photos from former President Bush, somebody either forgot to use their Just for Men, or the presidency actual is a strenuous job.

I just got back from Penn Station. My sandwich was THIS BIG!

Now where did I leave that damn remote...

Even looking at 2008 photos of President Obama against 2011 photos you see a quickly aging man.

I haven't blinked in two weeks.

I can't remember which door I left unlocked. Hey, Michelle...

If you remember, I wrote a post a couple weeks ago about hair. Somehow this has also turned into a post about hair. Or, more specifically, how quickly a president's hair turns gray once he is in office.

I think the presidents look too professional anyway. Yes, you want a professional president but why not have one that's looks a little crazy too.

Take Thomas Jefferson for instance. If you looked at him from the eyes down you wouldn't think anything of it. Once your peepers gaze upon his wonderful mop the story changes.

Business in the front, party in the back.

Better yet, check out the beautiful chops on Chester A. Arthur, our 21st president. Makes a man yearn for that much testosterone.

You think I look like what? A Walrus?

Finally, we have the best of both worlds. A top of the line, Bozo the Clown-esque hair style that flows right into sideburns that could melt the hearts of both men and women alike. I present our eighth president, Martin Van Buren.

I'm appalled that you would even think I use products.

Although it seems as if the presidency is certainly not the place to get your fashion sense from, we should at least feel a little pity for the men that run our country. Any job - besides being a father - that causes a man to go gray in the matter of a few years is rough.

Hey, at least if Donald Trump gets elected in 2012 we will have more supreme hair action to look forward to.

This is actually a wig. A 24 carat gold wig.

Fun, Fun, Fun, Fun

Have you realized how different the path to stardom is these days? While on spring break I almost missed out on the discovery, extrapolation and dominance of America's newest "star."

The human torch was denied a bank loan.

Rebecca Black is the latest in a growing line of internet superstars. Her song, Friday gained attention after being featured on Daniel Tosh's blog a couple weeks ago and has since garnered over 61 million views on YouTube.

Are you kidding?

The days of actual stardom, it seems, are dwindling. Sure, you still have your movie stars, rock stars and star athletes but the easiest way to become rich and famous nowadays is to upload a YouTube video.

Antone Dodson did it.

Paul "Bear" Vasquez did it.

These are just some of the really big ones since this summer.

To top it off, musical geniuses add a base track to the video, auto-tune the voice and put some resemblance of rhythm into their dialogue.

I never thought I'd be on a boat.

Yes, it's funny. Yes, it's ridiculous. Yes, it's catchy.

Unfortunately, people with real talent aren't being discovered because of these YouTube stars. I suppose it's just natural though: develop a website where any idiot can post anything they want and you are going to get asinine videos that attract viewers.

These guys should be the next internet stars. Oh, and T-Pain too.

Buying the stairway to Heaven

Have you realized how many simple things have been packed, over priced and bought by millions of people everyday? Somewhere, somebody got the bright idea to package simple, everyday things and make a profit selling them. I wish I would have thought of it first.

          $1 a bottle? What a deal!

Water is the easiest example to pick on. You mean to tell me somebody bottled up water, the essential substance on Earth, the key to life, and started selling it? What idiots would pay money for water when it's practically free from the tap? Oh...

I don't know who first "manufactured" water but they are geniuses.

Another example: sod. Grass? Really? You are going to buy grass? Why don't you grab a shovel, drive down the street and dig some up yourself. Better yet, why don't you wait for it to rain and grass will magically grow from the ground.

I imagine the companies that sell sod have sod farms. Otherwise know as yards, lawns and fields. Hell, my parents have a sod farm in front of and behind my house. We should start capitalizing soon.

Blowout Sale! Buy a front yard, get the back and side yards for free!

The last example I have is cardboard boxes. Instead of saving the cardboard box that comes with almost every object they buy, people throw them away. When it come to moving time, they run to the store and buy cardboard boxes.

Apparently they don't have friends, or parents, or co-workers or anybody with boxes sitting around. Apparently they haven't thought of going to a store and asking for cardboard boxes (many stores will actually give you boxes if you ask).

For those interest, BoxCycle can help with buying and selling boxes. Show those department stores that you don't need no stinkin' boxes. True, you didn't save any of your own boxes and don't have anybody else to ask but hey, at least the internet can hook you up.

I just wonder how much a cardboard box costs? $0.50? $1.00?

Please excuse me while I water my new sod with Evian; the best sod requires the best bottled water.

Keep on the sunny side

Have you realized how innate it is for us, as Americans, to walk on the right side? Not the right side as in the correct side. The right side as in not the left side; the same side of the road we drive on.

So this is what a driver's ed car looks like on the inside.

Everywhere we go, we are conditioned to be on the right side. People walk up stairs holding on to the inner railing. They walk down holding on to the outer railing. Coincidentally, perhaps by some form of architectural wizardry, both sides are on the right.

Watching people walk down sidewalks (side note: why is it that we always walk down sidewalks and never up?), you notice that, without any lines being painted or signs informing them to do so, people tend to walk on their right side of the sidewalk.

Of course there is the occasional group of three or four abreast that refuse to break up or form a single file line so you can also use the sidewalk. Or the occasional rogue, walking down the opposite side of the sidewalk, perhaps in an attempt to "stick it to the man" or mix things up.

Either way, the majority of people walk on the right side of the sidewalk. They drive on the right side of the road. They write with the right hand. They drive with the right foot.

There are some who call me...Tim.

I don't remember ever being told to walk on the right side of the sidewalk. I guess it's just one of those things we all know. Either that or you have been trampled by a pack of vicious right-leaning walkers and learned your lesson.

I fought the law and the law won

Have you realized how many traffic violations policemen commit? They must assume that, since they are the kings of the road, they can do whatever they feel like. I suppose it's true.

Orange Whip? Orange Whip? Three Orange Whips.

I imagine this is what goes on in a policeman's head.
So the sign says 30 mph, who cares? I have a car with sirens, a computer, a megaphone and a completely caged in back seat that you can't get out of. I'm going to drive as fast as I damn well please.


This is what goes through my head at the same time.
The policeman is going 25 over the speed limit without his sirens on. This means there is no emergency. This means I can go the exact same speed.


Sadly I've never attempted to keep up with the policeman in fear of being pulled over. Let's say I did. I imagine this is how the conversation would go.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: I believe it was 53 miles per hour.
Officer: Are you aware that that is 23 miles per hour over the limit?
Me: I am. But, I figured since you were doing it I could too.
Officer: I'm sorry son. That's not how it works.
Me: Well that's a bit hypocritical don't you think?
Officer: I'm sorry?
Me: Hypocritical. You can go 23 over but I can't. Are you saying that simply because you are a man of the law you can disregard the rules of the road?
Officer: I don't appreciate your attitude. Why don't you come with me.

As you can see, it probably wouldn't turn out too well in the end for me. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate police officers. Actually, my grandpa was the chief of police in my hometown for the first 14 years or so of my life. I actually know most of the police officers personally.

I just find it funny that they always seem to be the craziest drivers on the road. Also, I've noticed that everybody else seems to drive like 90-year-old women when a police car is present. They seem to forget that you can still go the speed limit even if a police car is near.

I think you spelled "police" wrong sir.

Next time you drive past a police officer rev your engine. See what happens.  Better yet, have your passenger stick his/her butt right up against the passenger window and see how fast you find yourself in jail selling cigarettes for your over zealous cell-mate "Tiny."

Hair-raising issue

Have you realized how few hairstyles are available for middle-aged and elderly men? There seems to be some unwritten rule about male hair that takes effect sometime in a man's 20's or 30's. The days of flowing locks, spiked hair and mo-hawks coincide with the days of adolescent immaturity and academia.

Nugs, chillin' and grindage

The "real world" isn't too fond of many hair styles. Short, well-kept hair is acceptable. The part is a favorite for millions of guys. I suppose there's nothing inherently wrong with these hairstyles. It's sad though when you look back in history and see the hairstyles that used to be acceptable but aren't any more. Mullets, powdered wigs and pompadours were cool at one point or another.

The problem arises when men start to bald. I don't know if it's an ego thing, an image thing or what, but some guys need to get a grip. Either cut it short or shave it all off. Comb overs are absurd. It's like covering up a hickey with spaghetti: it doesn't mend the situation and you're just making the situation worse.

There are so many alternatives to comb overs. Buzz cuts look fine. Sure, the top of your head might shine brighter than the North Star but at least you don't have seven hairs struggling to stretch across the empty void on top of your head, calling attention to the problem instead.

Shaving the head also works. Your head may look like a 13-year-old girl's legs after her first shave from time to time but at least you don't look like Carl Levin, or worse, Arthur Scargill.

No sir, I was not aware there is a small animal on my head.

If all else fails, wear a hat. There are a plethora of different styles. Baseball cap, cowboy hat, fedora, top hat, straw hat and beret. Hell, there's even a hat designed specifically for balding men. It's called "Flair Hair" and, if you aren't too shy, looks great.

I blame society for this problem. If only there were more male hairstyles to choose from this global crisis would have been averted a long time ago. In the mean time, middle-aged men can look to Ron Artest, Tim Tebow and Justin Bieber for inspiration.

What's my age again?

Have you realized you can change your name? Well, not entirely. At Hope College, you can change your first name on Moodle, a Course Management System. My house-mates and I figured this out a few weeks ago; it was like figuring out the ‘D’ in Disney is actually a ‘D’ for the first time.

Are you sure that's not a backwards 'G?'

Sunday nights in our apartment usually consist of everybody sitting around, watching TV, finishing up homework they neglected to start until 8 p.m. that night. Naturally, somebody was on Moodle checking to see what was due the next day and happened upon this wonderful gem.

By clicking on your own name it takes you to your profile. The middle tab at the top of the screen says "Edit Profile." Clicking that let's you change not only your first name but your hometown, country, profile picture and let's you add a description. Tom Foolery ensued.

Some of the names that started appearing in the "Online Users" box on the right hand side of Moodle included: 

• Why Does it Burn? Rebhan
• James "Ranch Dressing" Nichols
• Moodle is fun Gabhart
• We Eble

The best part was when we literally broke Moodle. It was still functioning but severely distorted.

This is Moodle on a good day

Apparently, a 150-character long name it too much for Moodle to handle

The scene in our living room was spectacular; red faces gasping for breath, giggles and chuckles filling the air and the occasional, accidental fart creeping out from excess laughing.  After an hour of amusing ourselves we settled on names. Only two of us kept pseudo-names. Everybody else went back to their real name.

Dixie Doodle Fur Bomb Nichols and Black-crowned Central American Squirrel Monkey Rebhan still roam the "Online Users" box on Moodle, looking for oddly-named friends to join them in their quest to fill Moodle with better, more adequate names. Cotton-headed ninny-muggins need not apply.

Have you realized...

Have you realized… is aimed at finding the joy and humor in the dismal activities and experiences in every day life. I want people to latch on to more than just the $10 they found sitting under a park bench, the exquisite frog legs they had for lunch or the number of questions they answered correctly on Jeopardy that particular evening.

I want them to relish in the intricate detail, beauty and innate amusement that surrounds us all. There is much more to life than meets the eye. If people slowed down their lives, took everything a little less seriously and relaxed, they would discover so much more.

I want them to simultaneously use the mature and immature parts of their brain to revel in their surroundings. Use logic and scientific methods to discover things. Be smart. Use your head. Yada yada. At the same time, try to tap into that amazing imagination you had as a child. Talk to yourself. Add sound effects to your life. Make inanimate objects come to life. People may think you are either a) on drugs or b) insane but who cares? If you need the approval of others to be happy and enjoy life then you stand no chance of comprehending any of the musings to come.