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Have you realized how uncreative we Americans are at naming our cities? It's like we stopped trying after the first 20 or so states.

Leave it to the Iowans to combine city names.
It gets pretty boring when all you do is detassel corn and wrestle.

I've often wondered what a map would look like if the suffixes "town," "ville" and "land" had never been invented. Just imagine, no Georgetown, Greenville or Ashland (no, I didn't pick those at random, they are actually ninth, fourth and eleventh on the list of most common place names in the United States).

Forget suffixes, how about all the cities/towns/villages named after people? Hell, the most common place name in the United States - 30 states have such a place - is named after a turtle: Franklin. Okay, I doubt they all named it after the cartoon turtle but maybe some did.

He must have such large calf muscles from walking upright.

That's not even the worst part. A few states have more than one Franklin. Why? I can see having multiple Franklin's across the country but in the same state?

The next most popular city name: Clinton. Now, I doubt this is because of Bill Clinton - except maybe in Arkansas. There's absolutely no way 29 states named a place after Bill Clinton. If they did, I'll stop cheating on my Draconian wife...

The third most popular comes right from the Simpsons: Springfield.

Then there are the unfortunate, quirky and just plain strange names found around the country...

Is this a sign for a city or an advertisement?

Matt: Jane, hurry up, you're taking forever.
Jane: Sorry, I'm almost to Climax.

When you can't watch TV or drive a car you have to pass the time somehow.

Would you recommend Mianus to your friends?

I wouldn't want to live in any of those places. Can you imagine telling somebody you were born in Mianus? No thanks. I'm moving to Bedford Falls.

As queer as a three dollar bill

Have you realized there is only one non-president on currently minted money in the United States? I thought the Founding Fathers wanted to prevent monopolies.

Monopoly has the right idea: don't even both with coins.

I don't know where the origins of president's on currency started. Whoever it was had a great idea. I think it's time to change things up a bit though. Benjamin Franklin needs somebody to talk to in People-who-are-on-United-States-money-and-weren't-a-president Heaven.

Susan B. Anthony did it. Not only was she not a president but she was a woman as well. Hot damn. A woman on money. We can't seem to get one in the White House but we can slap a bust of one on a dollar coin that we only mint for a couple years.

You fought for women's suffrage?
I think that merits a spot on the dollar coin.

Salmon P. Chase also did it. If you're like me and have NO idea who Salmon P. Chase was look him up. Somehow he made it on the $10,000 bill. First of all, who has a $10,000 bill? Second of all, why would you want to carry around a $10,000 bill.

Unfortunately, the $10,000 bill, along with the $500 (William McKinley), $1,000 (Grover Cleveland), $5,000 (James Madison) and $100,000 (Woodrow Wilson) bills were only minted from 1929-45 and have slowly been taken out of circulation by the government since 1969.

The U.S. Treasury never got as creative with their coins. All the coins that are in circulation today have a president's bust on them, many of which also adorn a paper bill. We have 40 or so to choose from, can't we find enough to make each coin and bill unique?

The whole state quarters thing was a big deal in the 2000s. It seemed like everybody was a collector at some point or another. Some of the states made me mad though. The images and text they picked for some states were just silly. My own great state of Michigan is perhaps the worst of the 50.

Ignoring the yin and yang design that's not really on the coin,

isn't there anything else they could have put on here.

A Model T maybe? The Mackinac Bridge?

It looks like a jumbled up mess of organs with a mitten in the middle.

You have to give them some credit though, they have been improving the beauty of our coins and bills. Every bill except the $1 and $2 have had some kind of color added in the past decade.

Apparently Alexander Hamilton's good side was his left.

They should start adding some new people though. Some "Very Important People" to the history of the United States. Martin Luther King Jr. anybody? Henry Ford? Patrick Henry? I don't want to name too many serious people.

Let's have fun. Who do you want to see on the $3 bill?

It's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake

Have you realized that cakes are no longer just for eating. They have grown from something you eat on a birthday to a piece of art that showcases a baker's ability.

Even Roofus gets a gourmet carrot cake on his birthday.

Growing up, the baking of a cake signified an important event. If it wasn't my birthday it was probably somebody else's in my family. On the off chance that a cake was baked just for the sake of baking a cake, well that was almost like having a birthday anyway.

I always teetered between store bought cakes and homemade cakes for my birthdays. I loved the sugary icing on the store bought cakes but enjoyed the variety of cakes available from my mom. I could get a trademarked character on a store bought cake but almost preferred Funfetti.

Is that a Gray Ranger? Why are there only three? What is going on?

My dad always wants a chocolate cake with chocolate pudding icing on his birthday. I don't like it. I know it's hard to imagine not liking cake but it's possible. Obviously I still eat it, who are you kidding? I would be scared to eat most of the cakes made today though.

I figure if a cake takes more than a couple hours to mix, bake, ice and decorate then you shouldn't eat it. It would be like tearing down a playing card tower or kicking over an intricate sandcastle.

I haven't counted but a rough estimate of the number of TV shows dedicated to cake totals about 2,000. I'm kidding of course but there are a lot of them. Cake Wars, Cake Boss, Ace of Cakes, Last Cake Standing, cake, cake, cake...

Is that a chandelier on a giant pile of luggage?

I don't want to say that I'm complaining because cake is in my top five foods of all time list but it's a little ridiculous. They don't even put real frosting on most of them. Instead they use fondant. I've never had it so it may be yummy. I think I'll stick with homemade icing...or frosting. Which is it? I don't think it matters.

While the cake game has taken a giant leap forward, the days of homemade birthday cakes are still thriving. In fact, I have four cake mixes at home right now, anxiously waiting to be baked. And in case you think that all cakes are fancy and perfect, check out Cake Wrecks.

Who says you can only celebrate birthdays, graduations and weddings?

Want to learn how to bake your own cake? Follow these instructions.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Have you realized the extent of the love-hate relationship between Michigan residents and snow? You'd think the two are going through a divorce settlement or something.

I wouldn't want a yellow cheesecake hat either.

Snow is what makes Michigan (and West Michigan especially) wonderful during the Christmas season. When you think of Christmas snow is usually somewhere in the picture. Half of the popular Christmas songs are about snow in some way, shape or form.

Snow on Christmas morning makes the day even better. Big, soft flakes falling from the sky on mid-December date make it that much more special. Snowmen and snowball fights are some of the best ways to spend Christmas vacation.

Have you ever noticed how quiet and peaceful everything is when it's snowing? It's like you really do live in Bedford Falls.

My mouth's bleedin' Burt! My mouth's bleedin'!

Somewhere around January or February people start to get tired of it. It's natural. Two months of driving through sleet, snow and slush gets tiring and dangerous. Shoveling your driveway everyday gets annoying. By March people are done with snow for the year.

Snow during spring break is an absolute no-no. It seems to happen every other year and people piss and moan about it every time. Sorry to break it to you but sometimes it snows, even in April!

Case in point: it snowed this morning. Monday, April 18 began with a look outside the window. Snow. A light blanketing. Just enough to cover the grass but no accumulation on the road. I was actually somewhat pleased: i love snow and one more helping of it can't hurt, right?

He looks like a red nightmare.

Apparently I am the only one of this persuasion. Facebook was littered with status updates about how displeased everybody was with Mother Nature's antics.

Somehow over the past four months, everybody has gone from wanting a hefty amount of snow to despising it from the inner depths of their soul. Give snow a break people.

Naked and famous

Have you realized that the companies in fashion magazines like Vogue seem to be advertising to the wrong crowd? Naked women don't appeal to most women.

She just had her wisdom teeth taken out.

Whenever I have the privilege of peaking inside an issue of Vogue I notice the ads. This is mostly due to the fact that the whole magazine is one big ad. It's also a little bit because there are a bunch of naked women.

I know what you're thinking: just another sex-crazed guy looking at naked women. Not quite. The fact that they are naked isn't what catches my attention. The fact that it's a magazine that sells mostly women's fashion and it's busting at the seams with ads full of naked women catches my attention.

How does an ad for a women's product sell anything when it has naked women in it? Isn't that the tactic usually reserved for men's products? Shouldn't vogue be full of clothed women selling clothes. If not, at least have some mostly naked men selling banana hammocks or something.

Damn it all to hell...why did I break up with the sexiest man alive?

The same goes for male products: half the time the ad is full of shirtless, pant-less men. Maybe it's just me but I'm not going to buy a pair of Calvin Klein jeans because they look great lying on the floor next to a guy doing a spread eagle in a pair of tighty whities.

I get that they are saying if you buy this shirt or wear this perfume you will look like this. It's all a lie! Don't believe it. I doubt most of you do anyway.

Is it a purse or a cover-up? Or both?

Your body is a wonderland

Have you realized how unnecessary some human body parts are? Maybe they used to serve some purpose but here's to hoping evolution kicks in gear and takes care of them.

That doesn't look like supplementary information
at the end of a book or paper to me...

How many functions does one's appendix serve? I'm pretty sure it's zero. Some say that it used to function as the area where toenails and hair were broken down. It was like a second stomach for cavemen.

New research, however, suggests it has something to do with the immune system. I don't buy it. I'm going to continue thinking the appendix serves no purpose whatsoever.

Another example, nipples on a man. What's the point? We don't breast feed anybody. I suppose it gives something for teenage boys to torture each other with (purple nurple anybody) but other than that I don't see the point.

It could possibly serve as the
epicenter for chest hair...
at least for Jake Gyllenhaal

Wisdom teeth are a pain. As far as I can tell, they serve no purpose besides supplying oral surgeons with income. They certainly don't make you any smarter (from what I can tell). All they do is hurt, get in the way and cause your dentist to remind you every time you visit him/her to get them removed.

One more. Leg hair. What's the point. As far as that goes, what about arm hair, chest hair, armpit hair, back hair, etc. What's the point of any hair? Half of it gets shaved off anyway. People with alopecia seem to survive just fine (except for the constant stares and negative perceptions applied to them).

It does serve one purpose: artistic expression.

My Hooptie

Have you realized how absurd car names are? It's like the people working at major car manufacturers put a bunch of syllables together and pick some at random.

The Toyota Deliboy: Freaky fast, freaky good.

When you get right down to it, almost no car name can be taken seriously. Besides some of the more famous muscle cars like Mustangs or Corvettes, the majority of car names are similar to the majority of baby names these days, silly and made up.

Instead of writing a bunch of nonsense about cars and their names I am going to supply you with a list of absurd car names. The order has nothing to do with the absurdness of each name.

Honda Life Dunk

A bit boxy but suitable for any wanna-be NBA star.

Nissan Prairie Joy

Sounds exciting...if you like driving in Nebraska.

AMC Gremlin

Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth.

Mazda Bongo Brawny

The sound system is killer and the floor mats are super absorbent.

Nissan Murano

Besides the fact that it sounds like moron...no inherent problems.

Ford Probe

Begs the question: what kind of probe?

Pontiac Aztek

First of all, it's spelled wrong. Second of all, it's just plain ugly.

Mitsubishi Mirage

I could be wrong here, but isn't a mirage a figment of one's imagination?

Dodge Swinger

The preferred car of both Hugh Hefner and Tarzan.

Isuzu Giga 20 Light Dump

I think the name says it all on this one...

As you can probably tell, being the designated car-namer at a car manufacturer is possibly one of the best jobs in the world. Only a meteorologist can be wrong more often and still keep his/her job.


Also take note that most of these absurd names come from Asian car manufacturers, especially Japanese companies. Either they have a great sense of humor or they have no idea what the words actually mean.

(Love is like a) Heat Wave

Have you realized how relative comfortableness with weather is? No matter what it's like outside, there's going to be somebody that's unhappy.

I don't know what happened. I went in to get ice cream and when I cam out it was snowing!?

The weather was beautiful yesterday. During a time when high temperatures hover around the 50 degree mark and extended periods of sun are a breath of fresh air, Mother Nature decided to throw West Michigan a bone and give us a low 80s hot diggity dog of a day. You'd think everybody would have been ecstatic.

Wrong.

I heard a few people complaining. Complaining that it was too hot. Really? It's been cold, snowy, windy and all-around miserable since November. It feels like summer for one day and people are already complaining about how how it is.

Opening the windows of my apartment was amazing. I didn't have to breath forced air for a whole day. I didn't have to wear socks. I didn't have to wear long pants. It was incredible.

An 80 degree day for somebody in the South is nothing. 80 is bordering on jacket weather. 80 is deciding between jeans and shorts weather.

A 50 degree day in the South, however, elicits pandemonium. It might snow if it's 50, right? We need to go out and buy a shovel, a winter jacket, some boots and a 3-month supply of canned food. What if we get snowed in? What if the pipes freeze and busy open?

I don't know what happened. A saw a few snow flakes
and the next thing I knew I was under a semi.

Shorts come out in 50 degree weather in Michigan. People flock to parks and beaches at 50 degrees. People start thinking about opening their swimming pools at 50. You can always spot Northern tourists in Southern states because they are always wearing less clothing.

People always talk about the weather when there's nothing else to talk about. If you get the right people, talking about the weather can be a wild experience. If somebody from West Michigan called somebody from Florida yesterday the contrast in excitement levels over the weather would have been monumental.

Eighty degrees in April in Michigan is something to celebrate. It warrants a special trip to the beach, a cook-out, a road trip...something.

Here's to hoping for more great weather...and that the tulips don't sprout too early this year.

Perfect pants produce perpetual pleasure

Have you realized how easily a great pair of pants can make any day infinitely better? As long as you are feelin' good and lookin' good your self esteem skyrockets.

Even if you get your pants from the toilet store, if you like them, it's reason to celebrate.

Finding that perfect pair of jeans or sweatpants or slacks is essential to happiness these days. People, especially females, spend hours finding the right pair of pants.

If it makes their butt look 2 centimeters too big, it's on to the next one. If the wash of the jean isn't their style, it's on to the next one. If they fit perfectly but are a little too long or short, it's on to the next one.

If they fit well enough, you don't even need to wear a shirt.

Getting up in the morning and putting on your favorite pair of jeans is like waking up to "Fergalicious" on the radio or the smell of cinnamon rolls wafting into your room: the sensation can't be beat. You feel so empowered and ready to conquer the day when you wear your favorite pair of jeans.

On the dreaded days where your favorite pair are dirty and you have to settle for that crappy pair your mom bought you, it's like waking up to "The Thong Song" on the radio or the smell of cooked broccoli wafting into your room: you wan't to kill yourself but know the repercussions would be overwhelming.

Everybody's wondering: Does the carpet match the drapes?

Wearing a crappy pair of jeans makes you feel, well, crappy. You incessantly fuss over how short they are, how loose they are, how tight they are, how fat they make you look. It's just an all around terrible day.

The funny thing is, when you get a new favorite pair of pants, the old pair seems...somehow less than perfect. Even though you loved those things for a year, a new pair has come along and taken its place. It's like an over-sexed, middle-aged rich man and his "girlfriends:" when a newer, younger one comes along, out with the old and in with the new.

Of course there is one exception to the rule. Even if you have your favorite pair or jeans or slacks or what have you, there is always one pair of pants that will always rein supreme...

Too legit to quit.

Did I do that?

Have you realized how "inappropriate" some completely natural bodily functions are? Some are obvious. Others, even more obvious.

What happens when he comes to life?

Most of us are taught manners as a child. Most of us listen to what our parents tell us about manners. Most of us, however, have never thought about why we aren't suppose to do certain things in public, some of which are completely natural, everyday occurrences.

One of the most obvious socially unacceptable, completely natural bodily functions is farting. Whether you call it cutting the cheese, passing gas, breaking wind, tooting, etc. most people would be appalled if you let one rip in the middle of a lecture or dinner party.

Why is this? Why can't we just fart whenever our body is ready to?

Sure, it smells sometimes but honestly, how can you think a fart isn't funny? We have been conditioned to view farts as unacceptable so much that our society has come up with countless excuses for the dirty deed. Some of my favorites include...

• Barking spider
• Burping frogs
• Seat cushion
• Ducks
• Geese

They are deceptively cute - silent but deadly.

The problem is, an excuse like that won't work in public. Instead, we are forced to hold it in until we are by ourselves or in a noisy place. We are forced to hold it in while the pressure builds up inside of us. We are forced to hold it in while young children and elderly people fart up a storm, much to the delight of everybody else.

Another example - with a bit of a double standard mixed in - is relieving oneself in public. Now, I'm not saying people should go around crapping on sidewalks and peeing all over public buildings. That would be disgusting. I'm simply pointing out the fact that if someone were to crap (just like farts, we have an array of terms to describe defecating: crapping, pooping, dropping a deuce, dropping the kids off at the pool, bowl movement, Number 2, etc.) on the sidewalk or pee on a public building, people would once again be appalled.

Also, the double standard involved in relieving oneself in public is outrageous. Men seem to be able to pee wherever they want: trees, bushes, cars. Women however have to wait until a bathroom comes wandering through the woods. That is, unless she wants to face a lifetime of ridicule for peeing in public.

It's even illegal in some places.

At least bodily functions in public serve some type of purpose: humor. Lots of movies have scenes involving bodily functions in public places. Step Brothers, Blazing Saddles, and Dumb and Dumber come to mind.